So now we know.............

The long awaited and much dreaded news has arrived. Our office is one of 5 offices - all of which are in the South-East - which will close in 2011. The news has hit us all like an out of control juggernaut. Although one can prepare for the worst, there is always an element of hope in the back of our minds that "it won't be us...". Except this time it was, and it feels like a bereavement in many ways. To lose what has essentially become an extension of one's family in such a manner leaves me feeling angry, confused, scared, emotional and quite uncertain of my future. It seems so harsh to close 5 offices in the same region, leaving the vast majority of people no option but to take redundancy. The nearest one is 100 miles away, and the chances of moving are pretty slim for most of us. So , to see the headlines today of the expressed "surprise" that we are still in recession amazes me. I feel so sorry for those members of staff have already moved once from a closed office, but even more for those who have young families and both parents work for the same office. Civil Servants have become as vulnerable as the private sector.

So, what next? Answers on a postcard please......

A new beginning?

Only 8 more days to go, until the biggest announcement our department has even had to make will be public knowledge. Years ago, a job in the Civil Service was described as "A job for life". The media often poked fun at us, with their caricatures of bowler hatted gents and supposed endless tea-making. Our department became an Agency many years ago, one that was self-financing and extremely efficient, making money for the Government. So, not such a drain on the tax-payer. It became a place that looked after it's staff well, and was a family-friendly environment. Most of the staff have worked there in excess of 10 years. I have worked in the department for 31 years! So it really feels like another family to me, despite my moans and groans from time to time. You see, the government want to make savings - and we are one of them. The conspiracy theories are rife at the moment - Chinese whispers have escalated into the hottest gossip in our office's history! All very unsettling. I lurch between "yeah great, redundancy might be a new opportunity" to "oh God, how on earth will we manage?" and "who on earth is going to employ me now?" After so long in one job, I cannot see what employer would want me. It's been over 20 years since I had an interview (for a promotion) - it is so scary. Maybe it's the kick up the backside I need to write. At the moment I am finding it impossible to get anything down (rants aside), I have a thick grey fug in my head instead of lots of beautiful words and ideas floating around. My brain is like the "pea-soupers" of the Smog age. I just need to know now. Hope the next week goes quickly!

Let them eat cake

This week I had an idea. I heard about the Macmillan Cancer Support's "World's biggest coffee morning", and wondered if our charity committee at work were doing anything for it. Sadly no. I was disappointed but not entirely surprised. It's been a year of rapidly declining morale, cutbacks and redundancies. From an office with an active S&S association, we are now left with a dribble of enthusiasm from people who all now have the threat of redundancy hanging over them. It's not a good place to be right now. But it's also an office that has been hit hard by cancer over the last couple of years. Some have recovered, but some lost their fight. They deserve better I thought, someone ought to do something! A casual conversation with colleagues followed, which uncovered many closet bakers........and so we decided to hold our own cake sale in aid of Macmillan, in our team, and invited the whole office to join us!

From worrying about whether we had enough to sell, this morning I was more concerned that we had too much and that no-one would turn up! Well I needn't have worried - my faith in the generosity of my colleagues was rewarded - we raised a brilliant £127, in just a few hours. What was even better, people actually had FUN - something we have had precious little of in recent months at work. We all went home a pound or two heavier but who cares, it's the weekend! For very little effort, quite a bit of money was raised. Macmillan Cancer Support will be a little richer, and I think we will be too.

Older

I haven't blogged for a while I know. A raging toothache took hold last weekend, followed by the inevitable visit to the dentist and the parting of company with (a) a cracked old crown and (b) many pennies. The whole week was ruined by sleepless nights, a "soft" (= boring) diet and much complaining on my part. The teeth I have left are protesting, partly due to many years of never seeing the inside of a dentist's waiting room plus a load of incompetent genes waiting to pounce. It started when I was little, with a visit to a nasty Welsh dentist (no offence to the Welsh but he was a B%%*$d!!). This had the consequence of my developing a lifelong fear of dentists, and by the time I had found one that restored my trust, it was all too late. It's all part of getting older I guess. That and an expanding waistline, worsening vision (I am Vision Express's best ever customer!) crap hearing (see previous blog). Now the sweats of the Peri-menopause pop up to irritate me from time to time, which doesn't improve my mood! I am by nature a "cup half full" lady. I always try & see the positive and funny side of everything as the alternative is too depressing in my opinion! Weeks like this see me turning into a temporary grumpy old woman (I could give Jenny Eclair a run for her money!) but at least today, at long last the antibiotics appear to have worked - yippee, just in time for root canal treatment joy tomorrow lunchtime - wish me luck!!

Digital miracles

For years I've suffered from Tinnitus. A hangover from my teenage years of listening to loud music through headphones followed by loads of concerts in my twenties and thirties. You know that loud wine you get in your ear after you come out of a gig? No, not your other half! It used to fade away, but some years ago it decided to stay. And get louder. And louder. Until the high pitched ringing started to be louder than the things we are all supposed to hear. Like birdsong. A conspiratorial whisper. Or what someone sitting next to you is saying without having to look at them and try and lipread! As I type, I realise what a virtual tap dance is being played out on the keyboard - it's so loud!! So, much to the delight of my OH - I took myself off to the doctors in February for a hearing test. And guess what? I have what they call "high tone" deafness, and mild hearing loss. This morning I took charge of a minor miracle in the latest digital technology. An "open mould" digital (Siemens, no less) hearing aid. A whole new and noisier world is opening up to me. I had not realised what a muffled environment I had been living in for many years. I hope the Tinnitus will subside - it is believed that as a sufferer gets used to all the "normal" everyday noises around them that the alien ones will fade into the background. For now, I am in awe. I will also be doing more typing on my lovely quiet laptop because the pc is so noisy!!

Electrickery

This morning I nearly killed my husband. Before you all run off to dial 999 it was an accident, honest!! A genuine, bonafide, honest 'injun mix up over what fuse was switched off. He had successfully fitted a new light to our spare bedroom/study. Very nice it looks too. Now it was onto the landing to fit another. He tested it, switching the fuse box back on (is this the right terminology? I know nowt about blasted "electrickery!") but nothing. So he went to check the wiring again. In my half asleep, somewhat hungover state I managed to confuse things over what lights were on or off when he switched the fuse box off. Only he didn't - switch the right one off that is. All I heard was a loud, blood curdling yell, followed by a thud. My heart dropped into my boots and right back up again as my legs turned to lead. As I ran up to look, I dreaded what I would find - but there he was, standing on the landing, screwdriver in hand - grinning at me. "I think I just got electrocuted" he said, shaking his arms and shivering. Luckily it was a low voltage shock, as most household shocks are (as I googled later) but it had left a large cut in one finger and a small burn on his other elbow. The "entry" and "exit" wounds apparently. I feel so guilty, I think my heart was racing for the rest of the day at the thought at what might have happened. And the light fitting? It was fitted perfectly. Neither of us had noticed there was and "on/off" switch on it.

New stuff

There has been a bit of delay with my blogging. I have written lots of notes about my week in Hay-on-Wye at the literary festival. When I got home, I realised that I had a lot more reading to do for the next assignment in my Welsh history course than I first thought. And there was me thinking (smugly) how organised I was. Roll on July - when the course finishes. I have plans you see. Poetry is where I am hurtling towards, and I may start writing my memoirs (posh name for a diary I know, but I have never kept one) which will be the ramblings of a slightly dotty forty something woman who lacks motivation, looking back on her life. After all, I have no children (as a friend and fellow blogger has also realised) to pass on my history to. I think it is important to write things down, for reflection and perspective. My thoughts generallyconsist of rather mixed up ramblings in my brain who are all competing with each other to get out - that's what it feels like to be in my head, scary!! So thank you Larisa, for giving me an idea and a bit of direction. I also need to re-write a story I submitted for my final assignment for my degree. I think it has potential - I certainly got a great mark for it, so fingers crossed I can do something positive with it.